thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
