There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
