is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
