I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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