dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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