Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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