Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want to make a zoo with you.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
