OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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