planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
