If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm too high and old for this...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
