Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
