Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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