I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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