I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
we're so committed to being not committed
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
