It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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