wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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