I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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