i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
