Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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