Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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