You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
