Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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