I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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