Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
