Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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