My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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