I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
