whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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