My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
