I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize