the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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