I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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