im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
