2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize