I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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