the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You are a genius and a whore.
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