Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
