one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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