btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
