Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
