Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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