I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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