3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
