then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize