i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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