We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
