I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
