I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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