Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
