I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
