Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
