id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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