I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
