I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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